Monday, February 21, 2011

God's Love

I hit on the fact recently that I have a personal journal. Well, there's a lot of raw material in there.   The me that I like to keep hidden in the pages that no one else will see.  In there I fight with myself and ask God lots of questions that as a Christian woman I feel I shouldn't have the, well, balls to ask.  And I've been asking God to open my heart and to show me trust.  Today he showed me a little bit.  I what may be a reverse prayer (and yes, I tend to write out my prayers in the pages of my journal, I feel that I have a stronger voice in written word... maybe that why I have continued to blog when so many other things come and go).

I have been struggling with the idea that God, who is so right and pure and true would ever want to have anything to do with me.  I believe God is who he says he is and that Jesus his son came to earth, lived, died and rose again.  I believe.  That's not where my struggle has been.  Mine has hit more on trust.  Why would God love me?  Who can love the mess that is me?

And in my private journal I found something, this reverse prayer, that I feel like I'm not the only one who needs to hear it.  So, if you read and it touches your heart, maybe you are the one that its been put it on the blog for.  If not, feel free to skip over it...
Yes, you are mine.  I created you and I love you not just the way you are or in spite of the way you are but bigger and deeper and wider and longer and so much more unconditional than you will ever comprehend.  Even if you were to never open the door I'd still continue to knock.   
There is no one more special, more important to me than you.  Even if you never change and the ways you hate so much about yourself stay the same for the rest of your life I don't care, Ill never leave you.  I see you as good, as pure, as lovely, as noble, and admirable.  You are so breathtaking to me.  I am ENTHRALLED by your beauty.  I am yours, my sweet child, and you are mine.  Remember the woman by the well?  Remember Mary and Martha? I didn't condemn them.  I love them. And I love you too.   
I am literally willing to go to the ends of the earth and to die to protect you.  In my death I set you free.  Free from guilt and agony and shame and pain.  I set you free from the constraints of sin and of this world and I placed a power in you to do such mighty things.  Because I know you are capable.  I know you are strong enough and you have me by your side to always encourage and honor you.  No matter how narrow the path, I'm with you.  I may even carry you.  No matter how heavy the backpack, I'll carry the load.  No matter where you run or where you hide I'll be with you.  With the most pure, faithful love.  You are my beloved.   
See all the beauty on the earth? Its there for you.  Bask in the colors of the sunrise, in the smell of the ocean breeze, in the ease of a lazy Saturday and the sound of the music you listen to, in the feel of the warm sheets in the winter and the sun on your face.  Enjoy the taste of food.  Enjoy the love of friends and family.  Enjoy everything I've made, because I made it for you.  Because you are worth it all and so much more.   
I have a plan for you.  And don't worry about it right now.  When I want you to know I'll tell you.  Right now work on experiencing my love.  Just be there and rest in that.  Just like you must just be when you are in yoga.  Just be in me.   
Remember the unconditional love in Cambodia?  That's real.  That's a reflection of my love.  Its not forced or manufactured.  And it's not mass-produced. It's personal, its relational and it's just yours.  You are so uniquely made.  And your life is unlike any others.  DO NOT COMPARE your life to others.  Don't measure successes and failures the same way others do.    
I've created you with a purpose in mind that only I know and it will be fulfilled.  And to do it and to prepare you for it and to ultimately show you my love and how strong it is I've allowed you freedom to experiment and to try and to run and to learn.  And slowly I've brought  you back to me.  Because I need you and you need me.    
Open your heart to me.  Understand it's a slow process.  When it's tough lean into me.  I'm unbending and can support you.  When it hurts know I cry with you.  Know when its scary I protect you.  Know no matter what the circumstance I'm with you, I'm in you, I'm surrounding you.  Just like the wind you may not always feel me or see my but know I'm there.  I'm touching and surrounding you because you mean so much to me.  And there will be a day when we stand face to face and we will embrace.  Where ever you are, you are home and you are with me.    
The love I have doesn't even understand or comprehend the words stop or quit or end.  It doesn't understand limits.  Even when you would be willing to quite or give up, know that in that moment my love just got stronger.  Because it in your weakness that I'm made strong.  I get to hold you and wrap my arms around you.   
If only you would view yourself in the way I  view you.  But my view would frighten you because I have you on such a pedestal.  You are my child and I see your potential.  I know your capabilities.  I know how strong you really are.  And right now, in days like today, you're learning a little bit about your strength too.  Most 'normal' people couldn't go thru what you do and have your attitude.   
You are finally learning to be honest with me in who you are; and be honest with yourself.  You aren't coming to me with perfection saying 'look what I did' but coming to me in humbleness saying I need you.  You have fears and doubt and trouble and sadness.  The walls you built up to try to keep all that out... how are they working for you? You've managed t trap yourself inside of them haven't you?  With my help they won't just be removed but we will tear them down and build and build a bridge out of those bricks.  These bricks will pave a way to a world  you can't even fathom on your own.  Because I know what your capable of and remember, I know your strength and I'l never ask you to do anything you can't bear.   
My love, my beloved, you are amazing, outstanding, and I'm simply overwhelmed by you.  If only you could see you in the way I see you, ahhh, what a change that would be.  What a paradigm shift.  Your focus would forever be changed.  What you deem important now you would look at like yesterday's garbage.  Because what I have for you is so much bigger. 
But don't be overwhelmed, we'll go at your pace.  Remember, I have all the time in the world.  And I'll use it all with you.  Use me to fill you up.  Use me to get what you need.  I'm always here.  Always.  You will never need an appointment to see me.  Don't worry about having the right answers, keep asking the questions.  Never give up and I promise I'll never give up on you.   
I love you.  Abba.  Your Father.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

WOW! How well written, Kristie!
Remember the passage that say "I do what I do not want to do but not what I want to do." We are all in that boat. How wonderful to know that Jesus has done it all for us!
Love, Grandma