Here is an honesty post. I have been fighting with God. I know I will never win, but there are times that I just want to wrestle with him and right now is just one of those times. My head hurts, to the point of a headache. I feel like crying and have teared up more than once in the last hour and have cried hard a few times over the weekend. I don't want time to think so I have been doing as much as possible to keep myself and my mind occupied.
Why all of this? Well, my former manager and friend Sean died suddenly in a car accident last Wednesday. His funeral is tomorrow. He is leaving behind a wife and a 7 year old daughter who I have gotten to know and love. The family had an amazing outlook of what life would look like in the near future. All of that is gone. My heart broke. Why would God have had him go thru all he just went thru and then take his life away?? I know he is in a better place, but his family is not. They are hurting. I started to think of all the things I have been able to do with my Dad from the age of 7 to now and I break down. I can't imagine what that is like. There are times I feel numb, like this can't be real. Every time I start up my car I think, will I make it to my destination?? What was he doing when it happened? What had he been thinking about, he was so close to home. And what keeps going thru my head is why? What is the meaning of all of this?? Why does God even have us here on this planet? Why did He even make us, from the beginning? What is the point?
These are the thoughts that I have taken to bed every night. I have taken to prayer every day. On Wednesday night I was so mad I didn't want to pray, I didn't want to read my Bible, I wanted to rebel and be as far away from God as possible. I was overwhelmed. How can I be mad at God when he exactly where I want to run to for comfort? And after I calmed down (a few hours later) I did go to Him and talked, yelled, and cried.
The following nights my Bible study led me into Ecclesiastes where Solomon is asking the same questions. Solomon goes thru a lot of what he find as meaningless. But then he goes into what is meaningful. And since I have read this verse on Friday, I have been meditating on it. It has been giving me peace.
Ecclesiastes 5:18-20 - Then I realized that it is good and proper for a man to eat and drink, and to find satisfaction in his toilsome labor under the sun during the few days of life God has given him—for this is his lot. Moreover, when God gives any man wealth and possessions, and enables him to enjoy them, to accept his lot and be happy in his work—this is a gift of God. He seldom reflects on the days of his life, because God keeps him occupied with gladness of heart.